The Number On The Scale Scares Me

So somehow I'm on week three now of Jamie Eason's program. It is still hurt-y, but I am seeing a few changes in terms of specific muscle tone in my quads and arms.

Here's the thing. There are precious few things I've experienced that are as frustrating as working hard and not seeing results. One of them is working hard, seeing results, but having those results not be in line with your goals. I didn't weigh myself for the first couple of weeks of this program, but I did feel like I was getting fitter and losing inches. Then I weighed myself.

ERROR.

No matter how often we read that weight is just a number, it is a brutal slap in the face for someone who is trying to cut weight to weigh in heavier than when they started. Logically, I know there are all kinds of reasons for this, and I know that I'm not supposed to care about the number on the scale. But I do. A lot. I have a number in my head that I want to achieve because I have been that weight in the last, uh, seven years. Wait, what? When did I get so old?

Anywho, I want to be that weight because I remember going for a bridesmaid dress fitting at that weight and being pleased with how my body looked at the fitting (and yes, I know how superficial that makes me sound).

Here's the big truth: I'm scared to go for a wedding dress fitting and hate how my body looks. That's not how I want to remember that moment. Maybe it's stupid, but it's true. I keep losing and gaining the same ten pounds over and over when my goal weight is another ten pounds under that. It's depressing to think that I won't be able to achieve my goal despite putting in a lot of time and effort.

Am I just missing something?

/sad panda rant

Day 47: I Will Breathe

Starting Weight - 152.4lbs
Day 6 - 148.1 (-4.3lbs)
Day 13 - 147.7 (-0.4lbs)
Day 20 - 146.6 (-1.1lbs)
Day 27 - 145.8 (-0.8lbs)
Day 41 - 146.4 (+0.6lbs)

Total Lost = 6lbs

Tom's Weight - 216lbs
Day 20 - 206lbs (-10lbs)
Day 27 - 206lbs
Day 41 - 204lbs

Total Lost = 12lbs

Clawing My Way Back

I'm finding it a bit tough to get back into my training.

I went for the world's saddest run last week, which involved shuffling about in five minute rounds for maybe 30 minutes. It was pathetic. I am having some legitimate breathing issues due to my back injury from my car accident (apparently breathing is important for running, who knew?). I had an x-ray done a day after the crash (adrenaline rush, I had it) and they said all was good to go. However, I do have some thoracic compression/pain issues, and a particular disc lower down that hurts like billion (scientific term) on occasion.

But the biggest problem I'm having is motivation. And I think a big part of that is stress. Tom and I are making BIG! LIFE! DECISIONS! which are generally causing me to be very tired and eat entire packages of Oreos.

HOWEVER.

The other day, I received a package in the mail (which is in itself exciting since we're in the middle of a postal strike) from Balancing Act Clothing. I won a giveaway on I Came To Run a while back which made me all swoony and happy. And the t-shirt I won is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously. It's soft and comfy and even Tom approved (odd for a t-shirt). So I went for a run in it.

And that run? Was AWESOME. (7.5km up and down a hill with a half km walk on either end to warm up/cool down – run time was about 45 minutes).

The moral of the story is that Balancing Act t-shirts make you a better runner, and you should go buy one right now.

Unfortunately, the apartment gnome  hid my bathing suit so I couldn't get my swim in yesterday. Maybe I just need a Balancing Act swimsuit…

Today is a day off because I have massage/chiro and hopefully we will be able to find a plan that can help me breathe. 'Cause I'm kind of fond of it at this point.

Now I HAVE To Do This

It has been horribly cold and rainy and overcast all week. This is our typical May long weekend weather, albeit a few days late. I am sensibly concerned about the weather for this triathlon because I hate running about the city while soaking wet. Perhaps this is unreasonable. However, since I live in a province where it snows every damn month of the year (the first year I was here, the only month it didn't snow was August. True story.), I think of it as good survival instincts.

Here is the current forecast for Sunday (a large improvement over the one from a few days ago which said NO SUN FOR YOU and also here's a 12 degree high):

TheWeatherNetwork.ca

I had one of the worst runs every last night, which included me stopping at 4.5km to have a cry, then back to finish at 5.5km, despite planning to do 10km, or 8km if I beat my PB time (ahahahahaha). My knee was grumping at me, and it just set off a chain of "why can't I control anything in my life, and nothing goes according to plan, and some things are so up in the air and WHY CAN'T THE CAT AND DOG GET MARRIED AHHHHH". When Tom got home, I was lying on the couch with ice on my knee, and what must have been an impressive scary face because he took one look and said "um, should I go get some chocolate?" - hands off, he's mine.

There are two easy ways to tell my stress level: what am I eating, and how am I running. Considering the M&M cookies I just inhaled as well as last night's breakdown, we can safely put me in the Stress Code Red category. The triathlon is causing me stress, but mostly it's Big Life Decisions ™ that are all hanging in the balance right now until further moves are made. Last night I was seriously considering pulling out of the race, but I told one of the managers at work about entering it (d'oh) and he told the entire team in a meeting today (double d'oh).

Also, because apparently my amnesia has sufficiently kicked in, I may be doing the MS Ride in June (160km in two days). That's a lot shorter than the RTCC (220km in two days), so it'll be a piece of cake, right? RIGHT?!

I need more cookies.

Not Enough

Emilie over at I Came to Run posted about anger today. I'm not just linking because I heart her and I won her recent giveaway because I am totally her favourite Canuck. She listed a bunch of things that are making her mad these days, and a few stood out for me (because I'm convinced she secretly lives in my head).

I’m angry because I can’t just look in the mirror and accept what I see;

I’m angry because I work so hard on so many things, and at the end of the day I still feel like I’m not good enough;

Every morning starts with the same thought process for me. Groggily dragging myself to the other side of the room to shut off my alarm clock, glaring at Tom as he semi-consciously rolls over into the warm snuggly pit of body heat I just vacated, and assessing what happened yesterday. I don't know that I did this as often before my concussion, but I imagine lots of people (even those without traumatic brain injuries) do this.

My morning assessments include two major questions: did I work out yesterday and what did I eat. And these questions are always centered on a delicate subject: deserving. Did I do enough to deserve a day off/lighter workout? Did I eat well enough to deserve to weigh less today? Did I eat well enough to deserve sugar in my coffee/a muffin/any other food "reward"?

I've been trying lately to focus on the positive changes I can see in my body – my legs feel stronger, for one – rather than the continued avalanche of negative things about my body (my weight is sneaking back up, this gut WILL NOT LEAVE, I swear I used to fit smaller clothes). It's tough; most days, it really sucks. There are few things more frustrating than working hard at something only to not see the results you really want.

Some days, it's harder than others to take a deep breath and push through.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Rants And Updates

It's been a rough couple of days back-wise (SIGN!*) which means I couldn't work out as much as I wanted. I missed a run *frown* which was especially hard since Tom went on a run without me and I stayed behind, watching Criminal Minds and eating staring longingly out the window. I am trying to be good and rest when I'm hurting so that I don't make it worse (bet you can guess how well THAT's going).

The funny thing is that I can run, bike, and swim usually completely pain-free. I can also lie down (like a CHAMP). What I can't do is sit. Which makes for awkward times at work, and at home when I always feel lazy for lying down instead of sitting like a normal person.

/Injury Du Jour Rant

In other news, we are heading out to Jasper sometime soon (try and schedule around THAT burglars) for a rugby tournament which I plan to photograph. Hooray for using my expensive camera! I haven't purchased a decent telephoto lens for it yet, but I'm hoping to take advantage (tee hee) of the higher fps to get some good action shots.

/Nerdy Photography Talk

If you are a runner, or a person who likes to read good blogs, check out my new BFF (only she doesn't know it yet – creepy FTW!) over at I Came To Run. But don't enter her giveaway. THAT PRIZE IS MINE.

Only five weeks until my first triathlon! SCARED!

*Tom holds up a pretend sign every time I complain about my back or knee. Apparently I mention it a lot. I think that is a wild exaggeration.

Day Six and Seven: The Final Results!

So after a brutal six days, Tom and I kyboshed the total no-carb diet. My urine turned orange on Saturday (how's that morning coffee tasting?), which Dr. Google informed me is a sign of ketones, an indicator of anemia, liver disease, and/or diabetes. Now, obviously one day of this does not mean I have any of those conditions; what it does mean is that my body was in distress. Ketones are formed when the liver glycogen stores are depleted (Wikipedia). I knew that part of the no-carb process was to deplete that store in order to force your body to draw energy from fats and proteins instead of carbohydrates (which are a "cheap" form of energy). But there is something that doesn't feel right about forcing my body into that kind of distress.

The symptoms we experienced during this diet were:

1. Bitchiness

Let's just say it was a good thing Tom was away for work most of the week.

2. Stomach pain/severe nausea

It was bad. To be fair, I think a lot of this came from suddenly eating a ton of cheese (I usually never do) and eating high sodium, high fat meats like turkey/chicken pepperoni snausages or whatever they are.

3. Fogginess/confusion/utter stupidity

We would forget words. There were several times I didn't feel safe to drive. It was almost like being buzzed all the time without it being any fun.

4. Weakness and general sucking for workouts

I added 15% to my swim time, and a whopping 20 minutes to my bike time (BRUTAL). I felt awful during my workouts and my times really suffered.

5. Losing weight very quickly

My starting weight was 153.2 pounds. The lowest I weighed during the six days was on the fifth day at 144.5 pounds. That's an 8.7 pound loss in five days (!). While the numbers are fun to look at, I can't believe that this is a healthy way for me to shed pounds. And the way I felt was honestly not worth it. I was sleeping 9-10 hours a night and still needing an hour nap each day. I woke up dreading the day because of what I would have to eat; everything I could eat made me nauseated. Opening the fridge would actually make me choke back bile (and not just because I haven't cleaned the fridge in a while).

There are some positives to take away from this experiment.

1. I do consume a lot of easily removed carbs.

Although delicious, I don't NEED to have sugar in my coffee every day. A meal doesn't HAVE to have a bread component to be complete. Eating three yogurts and two pieces of fruit a day is probably excessive.

2. Eating more veggies is easy if I pay attention to it.

One meal I really enjoyed on this diet was tuna salad (with mayo) that I ate using cucumber slices as "scoops". It was like dipping tortilla chips (same crunch) and I didn't need bread to eat my tuna (although I do love me some tuna sammich).

3. Planning meals makes a huge difference.

If you're just grabbing food, you make poor choices. A little planning ahead can mean you eat with purpose instead of mindlessly. On that same note, it is VERY easy to mindless eat carbs. It's as if your body doesn't have an off switch to tell you that's enough. When you are eating protein or fat foods, your body  has a trigger finger on that off switch, and it'll let you know when enough's enough.

For the next week (at least), we're still eliminating refined carbs (sorry Shreddies, I still love you!) and milk. We've added back in fruit and potatoes in limited amounts. Hopefully that will help us find a bit more balance.

Day Four: Oh God, The Bacon

I am very, very sick of meat and cheese (except for old cheddar straight out of the fridge – I could never be sick of you). I find it mentally very difficult to accept a diet where I can't eat yogurt or fruit, but I can eat chicken wings with blue cheese dip. Sure, it sounds great, but really it just hurts my stomach. I have made the awesome discovery of Jello that has no sugar, no fat, and 5 calories per serving. What is in it then?! Colour me confused. But it tastes like cherry, so BACK OFF.

I can't even look at the leftover zucchini lasagna without feeling nauseated. The thought of eating my cream cheese and celery makes my stomach churn. Must continue quest to find non-cheese, non-fatty meat carb-free food. I did find chocolate that was 99% dark, with only ONE measly gram of sugar, but I'm resisting so far. If anyone knows some sort of carb-free chocolate substitute, I will love you forever and give you my celery and cream cheese. Do they make chocolate tofu?

FOOD FOR TODAY:

Breakfast - Egg white omelette with cinnamon

Snack – Celery and cream cheese

Lunch – Salad with cheddar cheese, grilled chicken, and bacon (mmmm) with Jello cup

Snack – Turkey/chicken "pepperoni" sticks

Dinner – Steak and roasted acorn squash "mashed potatoes"

EXERCISE:

1.5km swim (maybe one mile, if I'm not lazy)

Excuses And Stuff (Now With More Crashing!)

So I've been gone for a little while. Ok, a long while. However, I have a (sort of) good excuse.

At the end of January, I was driving my pretty, pretty red Ford Focus down the highway that connects Edmonton to Calgary, on my way to Red Deer for a soccer tournament. It was about 6:30am, it was dark, it was snowy, and, as I quickly learned, it was icy.



My pretty, pretty red Ford Focus, when I bought it.

I was passing a transport truck that was kicking up too much snow for me to see, and I hit black ice. I suddenly found myself trapped upside down in the centre ditch with my car filled with snow. It was fast, violent, and I don't recommend it (for those who were considering it). I was luckily able to crawl out of my window and call for help, and I did walk away from the accident – I was very lucky.

However, this means three things: I had to write off my car, I had to call my parents and tell them, and I ended up with some pretty gnarly back pain as a result. I am fortunate enough that the pain doesn't interfere with my day-to-day life (much) and I rarely have to take painkillers for it (although for the first week, hoo boy was I a friend of the pain pills).

As for the car, I was a little emotional about writing off my old one. It was my first car. It was my pal. It has nice creature comforts like an audio out jack for my iTouch and audio steering controls. It was Megan's (Tom's car) (Yes, as in, Megan Fox) little brother. It had kept me safe in my scary crash. After a couple of weeks of searching, I did find a new car. And yes, I am a creature of habit.

The Never-Ending Saga of My Knee

Here is the (longest ever) cliffnotes version:

·         In November 2009, I doubled up my training to get ready for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. That meant I was working out six or seven days a week, three days of which were twice a day. Yeah, I know, it's shocking that I injured myself.

·         I started to feel "off" in my knee when I was running or cycling. Because I am smart, I ignored it.

·         Then I hit actual pain. At first, just after I worked out, but eventually I got to the point where walking hurt. Standing hurt. Yoga hurt.

·         I started chiropractic treatment and massage therapy (heart) in January and while it helped a lot of things, it didn't seem to address the cause (which remained a mystery).

·         I made an appointment with a knee specialist who without examining me told me I was wasting his time and that I didn't have a knee problem. Despite having pain. In my knee. He then said although he didn't think I had anything wrong, his $900 custom orthotics might help. (*gives finger to "doctor"*)

·         At the start of May 2010, I stopped all exercise for two months, which made me a joy to live with (sorry, Tom!).

·         During those two months, I gained 15 pounds (*gives the finger to knee*)

http://www.infobarrel.com/media/image/14005.jpg

·         My first activity back was the Ride to Conquer Cancer – two days, 220kms of cycling through southern Alberta. With no training. Don't do that. (Do it with training though!)

·         Good lord are you still reading this? I'll have to send you cookies.

·         About a month ago, I went in for physio (heart) and was recommended to try IMS (like acupuncture except they poke the muscle that is injured and not your eyebrow) to loosen the death grip my adductor had on my MCL, and to loosen my calf muscle which was "UNACCEPTABLY TIGHT FOR A RUNNER" according to Physio Dude.

·         Turns out those muscles were holding my leg together.

·         After a week of having a completely useless right leg and spending my time picking out fake legs, Physio Dude eliminated the muscle tightness as the source, and did some active release and ultrasound work on my MCL.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1028/1242212439_5f1eba957f.jpg?v=0

Dog must be included.

·         And that was awesome. I could walk! With no pain!

·         But then I ran.

·         *Sigh*

·         And it continues…at least with icing, my brace, and active release work by Physio Dude (HEART), it seems possible that I might run for more! Than! Ten! Minutes! at a time.

Luckily, I've started interval training…take that, knee!

If It Hurts, Poke It With A Needle

I started IMS treatments this week for my knee. It's basically acupuncture but they stick the needles directly into the injured muscle, push them in deeper, and wiggle them around. No, I'm not kidding.

This is sharp.

The physiotherapist working on me did a great job of explaining what he was doing and making me feel comfortable. But there's only so much you can do - he's still poking sharp needles into my leg. He used about 30 needles in various spots along the inside of my calf up to my knee and just above it.

If you've ever had acupuncture, you'll know that the needles don't really hurt. The practitioner kinda flicks them in and that's basically all it feels like - someone flicking your skin with their fingers. For the first 29 holes I barely felt it, with maybe two or three that were a little more tender.

Then there was the last needle. Um, OW.

Right now my leg just feels sore as if I had a good workout, so we'll see if I get any nice bruises for tomorrow!

Keeping Perspective

So my last weigh in sucked. I've been really frustrated this week because I keep weighing myself every day or so (big mistake, I know) and some days I weigh in just as high as my starting weight. That, to put it lightly, is disheartening.

I took a few days to be a bit pissed and tried to channel that into my workouts. But today, I noticed something. I absentmindedly (read: while still asleep) put on a button-up shirt this morning that I hadn't worn in a while. I hadn't worn it, because when I did it was so tight the buttons would pull and be really uncomfortable (not to mention flattering!). Today, though, it fit noticeably better. It was still snug, but it didn't pull, nor make me look like a sausage escaping its casing.

And for today? That's enough.