I know this about myself. That resolution to stop biting my nails? I made that four years ago. I'm STILL working on it. Sometimes I'm not working at it all but I recognize that it's a terrible habit and that I shouldn't do it. And the first step in anything is admittance right? I'm the QUEEN of admittance. It's the follow-up steps of action, to change the thing you're admitting needs to changing -that- I'm completely apathetic about.
But regardless. I think about writing all the time. I read something the other day that writers are writers because it's the only thing they cannot stop themselves from doing compulsively. (I think drugs and alcohol were excluded from that statement). But I think what the person meant was that writers always feel the need to write. They want to document everything. They write about whatever they write about because that's how they express themselves. I think the same is true for all artists. Don't painters paint because that's how they express themselves?
This is not true for me. I don't write compulsively. I think compulsively. Like I said earlier I am the master of no follow-through. It doesn't matter if it's something I really enjoy doing or want to do (like writing) or if it's something I've agreed I'll do for a set period of time (like contribute to this blog, where presumably the social pressure of following through on an agreement would motivate me to keep going) or something I need to do for my health (like flossing. I fear cavities like I fear the dark: a lot. And yet I still am only an occasional flosser)
But when I go to bed at night, I feel like I write whole novels in my head. I think about all the things I would love to commit to paper. But I just don't do it. I don't know why.
Now I suppose I could resolve to change that, but let's be honest here, how successful do you think that would be?
Now if you're still with me, I'd like to talk about what has prompted this dialogue of self-examination. (If you're not, well, I feel partly responsible so I'm sorry you've had to wade through my psychosis this morning.)
It's finally starting to look like winter here in my beautiful little town, in my new pretty yellow house. Winter (at least the start of it) is one of my most favorite times of the year. Whenit snows and everything looks fresh and new, like it has never been touched by anything but the purity of new snowfalls. I think of all the fun things that go with winter, skating in the moonlight, drinking hot chocolate at hockey games, flannel pajamas, and Baileys in your morning coffee. This is excluding all the Christmas greatness: family and friends coming together, giving the perfect gift that makes someones whole face light up, cooking (and eating!) delicious foods. The beginning of winter is just fantastic. And I wanted to share my love of this time of year.
It makes me nostalgic. I think about winters past, like the winter I spent working at my previous summer job, surrounded by co-workers who were just so unique, and so great. And I worked with the boy that I had fallen for, and despite everything that has happened since I always look back on that December and feel like it was all about love, and warmth, and happiness.
Or the Christmas I spent in Vancouver, the winter it really, really, snowed. My grandfather had to shovel the roof it snowed so much. We made snowmen and had a snowball fight, and skated on the now completely frozen backyard pool. It was perfect.
So now I'm anxious to see what this winter brings into my life. I've started over in a brand new town, I've moved into my first real (well 3/4 of a real) house. I can see big fat flakes falling outside from my kitchen window. I'm going to take my day off today and make cinnamon buns and head out into the town to start my Christmas shopping. I'm going to wear my new red winter coat, my winter hat and boots, and celebrate my favorite time of year with hot chocolate.
My Christmas wish this year is for something amazing to happen, something to make it all magical, more magical than usual. I just want this winter to shine brighter than the ones before it.
Or maybe that's just my boozy coffee talking. :) Happy December 1st everyone!